「pour my tea, pour my thoughts into separate beds;」
Thursday, 8 September 2016 18:34![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
orangiahI've been saying for years now that I'd like to return to long-form journaling. In the death throes of my old LiveJournal I would return once every half-year or so to write, "Hello everyone, I miss long-form journaling and I would like to get back into it," then disappear again before coming back a few months later. Rinse and repeat. It was so much easier before, and I wonder if it was because my thoughts were less complex; my emotions less inhibited―or if it was just that I had both the habit and the community, and now I have neither.
It's not that I haven't been journaling at all―I'm nearing the fifth anniversary of my daily log, and I still send myself rambling emails on occasion―but it's nice to have the catharsis of something that feels a bit more like a public venue, even if (for now) nobody is actually here to read it. Tumblr doesn't function too well for that―it's difficult to be completely open since there's no way to control for privacy (my old LJ was 98% public, yeah, but I did still lock down posts once in a while when I wanted to talk about more personal things or things that directly involved other people), and since it's primarily meant to be a media aggregate microblogging platform that I primarily use to share art, getting too real makes me feel… What, apologetic? Intrusive? Vulnerable?
Maybe this is just another iteration of my need to compartmentalize every thought; run away to a clean slate; hide everything in layers and labyrinths so that I can continue claiming to be open but only if you know where to look. Or maybe I just want to write again. I don't know! I am disgustingly introspective and I need somewhere to dump it!! To be honest, I actually hate being so introspective. I'd prefer not to think so deeply. But at the same time I don't think I'm nearly as deep as I try to dig, so my attempts to articulate myself often feel so contrived. What did I use to write about? My life? WHAT LIFE
It's not that I haven't been journaling at all―I'm nearing the fifth anniversary of my daily log, and I still send myself rambling emails on occasion―but it's nice to have the catharsis of something that feels a bit more like a public venue, even if (for now) nobody is actually here to read it. Tumblr doesn't function too well for that―it's difficult to be completely open since there's no way to control for privacy (my old LJ was 98% public, yeah, but I did still lock down posts once in a while when I wanted to talk about more personal things or things that directly involved other people), and since it's primarily meant to be a media aggregate microblogging platform that I primarily use to share art, getting too real makes me feel… What, apologetic? Intrusive? Vulnerable?
Maybe this is just another iteration of my need to compartmentalize every thought; run away to a clean slate; hide everything in layers and labyrinths so that I can continue claiming to be open but only if you know where to look. Or maybe I just want to write again. I don't know! I am disgustingly introspective and I need somewhere to dump it!! To be honest, I actually hate being so introspective. I'd prefer not to think so deeply. But at the same time I don't think I'm nearly as deep as I try to dig, so my attempts to articulate myself often feel so contrived. What did I use to write about? My life? WHAT LIFE